All apologies

Sometimes the act of apologizing can be so powerful, especially when it comes without an excuse. Especially when you think you’re right.

Step 9 of the 12 Steps is “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” I never got there when I was working the steps, and I wish I would have. Offering up an apology is such a humbling experience, and I’m going to try my hand at it.

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry that I never gave you the reassurance you needed, that you would always be my Momma, no matter what.

Dear Dad,

I’m sorry that I didn’t come visit you in your hospital room.

Dear Little Brother,

I’m sorry for calling you a retard, and I’m sorry that I never recognized how much you looked up to me and wanted to be around me.

Dear Jewel,

I’m sorry for being so judgmental about your mothering skills when we lived together. I’m also sorry for accusing you of being high on coke at my wedding.

Dear Einstein,

I’m sorry for telling you that you’re going to hell. I don’t even believe in hell.

Dear Pigpen,

I’m sorry for smoking cigarettes and pot when I was pregnant. Boy, was I stupid.

Dear Animal,

I’m sorry for yelling at you when you were a newborn and blaming you for a bad latch. I know it wasn’t your fault.

Dear Jeannine,

So much, so much. But most of all, I’m sorry for judging the way you are raising Kaya without religion, and for telling you that you’re a mean drunk.

Dear Jade,

I’m sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend when you were upstairs.

Dear Tamara,

I’m sorry for stealing your underwear at camp and hanging it up for everybody to see.

Dear B,

I’m sorry for all of the lying and the cheating.

Dear Me,

I’m sorry for trying to fool you, for making you settle for less, and for making you forget about your dreams.

Love,

Estella