Ah, the subject of gratitude. It continually pops up in my life at various intervals, showing off its nice white plastic smile and little index finger wagging. “Tsk tsk tsk!” it chides, “you should be grateful.”

I’ve had an Anonymous comment reminding me this week that instead of feeling entitled to what I have, I should just be gracious. This is all well and good, and believe you me, I understand this concept quite well. In fact, I wish I could find a way to explain to you just how long and hard I have fought the battle inside my head for gratitude. Oprah even came out with this great idea of a “Gratitude journal”, where everyday you just write a little tidbit of something you are thankful for. The end product, of course, is that each evening you settle in to bed with a content little smile because you are lucky. Lucky to be alive. Lucky to be healthy. Lucky to have a roof over your head and food to eat. Lucky to have children when others cannot. Lucky to have a spouse that loves you and treats you well.

And yet, for me, focusing on gratitude just leaves me feeling guilty and selfish. I’m sorry that I cannot just be grateful. I’m sorry that I’m restless, never content, wanting more and needing better. I’m alive, I am healthy, my cholesterol is low, my blood pressure is fantastic, but I want to be leaner and stronger. I have a place to live and food on my plate but I want my own space with a view of the ocean and organically grown vegetables in my crisper. I thank God for my kids and without them I would not be here, but I wish they had come later and sometimes, I wish they hadn’t come at all. I have a husband who worships me and yet it makes me feel empty and bored and I crave a man who will challenge me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I cannot be still and satisfied. I’m sorry.


4 Responses to “Gratitude”

  1. 1 thordora October 25, 2006 at 12:22 pm

    Those who act perfect never are.

    Having a day here and there where we AREN’T grateful helps us remember what we love the rest of the time.

    AND you’re human. Sucks, doesn’t it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. 2 Norie October 26, 2006 at 3:57 am

    I guess all we can do is just keep trying.

    Gratitude is a type of happiness. I force gratitude on myself all the time, but it doesn’t always help me get rid of that “wantin’ child” syndrome.

  3. 3 Norie October 26, 2006 at 7:46 am

    I wrote that before I read the anonymous shit.

    Anonymous doesn’t know gratitude.

  4. 4 Liz December 30, 2006 at 8:07 pm

    I think we could be great friends! I could learn a lot…If only I could return e-mails and phone calls!

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