The Never Ending Period

Six days ago I started my period.

Four days ago I had a Paraguard Intra Uterine Device inserted into my uterus. This little booger is supposed to prevent pregnancy for the next TEN years of my fertile existence. I guess I can honestly say that this was the leading factor in my birth control decision. However, as we all know, every form of birth control comes with side effects. Here is my ongoing list of shitty IUD side effects:

1. The fact that you have to actually get the thing inserted when you’re ON YOUR PERIOD. As if going to the gyno, stripping from the waist down, putting your legs in the stirrups and trying to keep yourself semi covered with the paper drape isn’t awkward enough. Now you get a Chux pad placed underneath your ass, and have bloody images of what is going on “down there” running through your head.

2. The doctor will tell you that you will feel a slight “pinching.” A slight pinch MY ASS. In all actuality, it pretty much feels like someone is prying open your cervix with a pair of pliers, grabbing a nice big chunk of uterus, and twisting with all their might.

3. Longer periods, heavier periods, and painful cramping. Day Four since insertion, my friends, and my uterus feels like it’s been put through a taffy pulling machine. Not only that, but there is no end in sight to the large volume of blood I am losing. Today I actually read that this bleeding could go on for weeks. After that, I might have intermittent spotting between periods. Well great! THAT’S actually the REAL reason I won’t get pregnant. Who wants to screw the chick who’s bleeding like a stuck pig 25 days out of the month?

4. Every time you pee, you need to check the toilet to make sure the IUD didn’t fall out. Also, after every period, you need to feel up there and see if you can feel the little strings still dangling about in their proper place. Tell me again why I didn’t just choose to swallow the pill every morning?

5. The copper issue. Here’s the freaky part. Nobody knows why the copper IUD works. I’d really like to know how somebody thought this up in the first place. (Let’s cram some copper up her vagina and see if it prevents pregnancy?) Brent told me that if you put copper nails in a fresh cut tree trunk, it’ll completely kill the stump. Maybe that’s where it originated. I love being compared to a stump.


15 Responses to “The Never Ending Period”

  1. 1 Areto November 2, 2006 at 2:51 pm

    i yi yi…. birth control freaks me out. i heard the copper iud was better, but i’m not sure why either. the whole killing tree trunk thing is kinda weird. i hope it feels better soon!!!

  2. 2 mo November 2, 2006 at 4:40 pm

    im sorry this sucks so much for you but your descriptions made me laugh so hard i almost fell out of my chair. but honest, i hope things get better… sometime soon. WEEKS of bleeding? god, that sucks.

  3. 3 thordora November 2, 2006 at 5:42 pm

    I had an internal while I had my period. It was one of the nastier things I’ve done-not because it IS nasty, but because that’s all we’ve ever heard “bleeding is nasty”


    I got fixed. The IUD looked like a huge pain in the ass, and my periods were hellish to begin with. No need to spread the love.

  4. 4 Contrary November 2, 2006 at 6:14 pm

    Note to self: Thank Pookie daily for getting snipped, thereby freeing me from birth control torture.


  5. 5 Magdalena November 2, 2006 at 6:45 pm

    Yes, vasectomies are glorious. But I guess I think that because I do not want any more, ever.
    I guess it’s better than packing dung up there. Did’t they used to do that in ancient times?
    After my 6th week postpartum, the doctor insisted I see her, even though I told her I was bleeding a lot. She did the exam and came up with her gloves looking like she had bled out a sacrifical lamb while she was down there. She said, “Wow, you really ARE bleeding a lot!” No shit, Shirley.

  6. 6 Louisa November 2, 2006 at 11:31 pm

    Well, as a proud owner of my own paraguard, lemme tell you that it does improve. And weeks of bleeding sounds excessive to me. A week or so afterwards maybe and a couple of shitty periods as your uterus learns to accommodate it’s newest resident but in the meantime gobble down some ibuprofen and that should take most of the kick out of your uterus-behavin’-like-a-mule. This will also reduce the quantity of bleeding.
    A full year after your last baby it’s highly unlikely that your IUD will fall out. So don’t fret too much, when you’re done with your period, or before if you want, reach on in there, find your string and reassure yourself that the pricey little booger is still there ๐Ÿ™‚
    Oh, and should you decide to get another one in future… tell the bastard installing said device to numb up your cervix properly. You shouldn’t have felt a shitload of pain. I’m sorry for that.
    In the meantime, enjoy your (almost certainly) newly infertile status! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. 7 Nikolai November 3, 2006 at 4:00 am

    Copper IUDs work via several methods:

    1. They increase the white cell count in the uterus, which kills sperm.

    2. The copper they release are toxic to sperm, and those that do manage to get through the fallopian tubes are thus unlikely to be capable of fertilisation

    3. They are also believed to be toxic to ova.

    Some people believe, incorrectly, that IUD’s main method is to prevent implantation and they are thus an abortificient. This is emphatically not the case. Studies have shown that they are over 99% effective in preventing fertilisation from occuring, and that they thus dramatically lower the rate of early embryonic loss, compared to unprotected sexual intercourse.

    I hope that helps.

  8. 8 Becca November 3, 2006 at 6:48 am

    ummmm… EWWWW.that sounds horrific

  9. 9 Jenn November 3, 2006 at 7:11 am

    This is sicko. I am gonna take my chances. No copper for me.

  10. 10 shan November 3, 2006 at 9:08 am

    because I’m lazy and don’t want to look it up myself:
    Why did you choose the copper over the mirena (plastic)? Many of my students use the Mirena IUD. I almost went with an IUD, but my husband chose a vasectomy when our daughter was about 10 days old. It’s been nice.

  11. 11 Rae November 3, 2006 at 9:36 am

    I decided against the Mirena IUD, which yes, is plastic, because it is hormonal. I didn’t want to use a hormonal form of birth control, so my options were pretty much limited to:

    Natural Family Planning
    Female Condom
    Paraguard IUD

    Brent was more than willing to have a vasectomy, but I just don’t think it’s a good idea for a 28 year old man to eliminate the option. You never know what life is going to hand you. I wouldn’t mind having more children, even though he doesn’t want anymore. Who knows, he could change his mind a few years down the road. Or, we could get divorced and he could remarry someone who wanted children with him. I just think we’re too young to be making that sort of permanent decision.

  12. 12 Niki January 7, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    All I can tell you is STAY AWAY from the Mirena!!! After 9 months, I had to have it removed. I was losing huge chunks of hair daily, gained 14 lbs, had migraines, severe mood swings, was treated for severe depression, and had acne all over my body! And that’s not the worst part!!! I bled for approximately 24 days EACH and EVERY month!!! Yup, it was like the reverse of a normal monthly cycle. And the rest of the days were NOT all at once, they would instead be grouped into 2-3 day spans and you never knew when you’d get lucky. We tried being on birth control (for hormonal bleeding as a guess) which DIDN’T WORK! And the bleeding was not just simple blood, but huge (quarter size) clots. So if anyone recommends the Mirena, RUN!!!! I’ve had to removed and feel better, except the bleeding, which has decreased dramatically (and it’s only been 24 hours) and seems to be on it’s way to back-to-normal!!! Good luck to everyone else with their other forms of BC. But I don’t want anyone else to have to go through all of this mess. It’s totally aweful!

  13. 13 Megan March 4, 2007 at 11:18 pm

    I have a Mirena and LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

    I was on Ortho and Yasmin for years, but they always near to eliminated my libido. I was told that since Mirena is local in the uterus, the hormones aren’t dispersed through the body like with the pill. So the mental side effects are greatly decreased.

    When I first had mine put in it pinched a little, then I had cramps (like on the first day of a heavy period). My first period after that was rather long (3 weeks), but since then my periods have been very short/light, or non existant.

    AND the best part is I actually have a sex drive now. Yay :).

  14. 14 Sujelly March 5, 2007 at 6:53 pm

    I also got the Mirena installed back in September, I got it at my 7th week post giving birth, I thik my uterus was still recuperating from giving birth because it really HURT a lot, I had no idea it would hurt that much, then I was bleeding heavily for about 3 days, then 6 weeks after that I had to go back for them to check on the IUD and I was still bleeding and I am still nursing so it wasn’t my period, the doctor said that my body was going to naturally try to reject the IUD and thus it would bleed but it eventually get used to it, and so it did =)
    That’s were I am now, I do get scared thou searching for an IUD when I pee, I do get cramps sometimes and I have no idea how it will be once I get my period, but I do like that it’s carefree I can’t have a pill everyday I’d probably forget and the patch did horrors to my skin plus the whol blood clot thing scares me. If I was asked I woudln’t get an IUD again thou.

  15. 15 klonopin July 23, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you penning this article and
    the rest of the site is very good.

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