Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Through the years, I’ve finely tuned a secret weapon that I use when I’m having a really, really bad day. It is a packet of papers kept in my closet where I have copied down my favorite “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handy. No mater how bad things get, I have never been able to read “Deep Thoughts” without cracking up. Here are my top 10, in no particular order:

1. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

2. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

3. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

4. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

5. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

6. I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?” or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!

7. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

8. If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I’d carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like “Hey, look. He’s carrying a soldering iron!” and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, “That’s right, it’s a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice.” Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

9. I bet when the neanderathal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, “Don’t forget the thick, heavy brows.” Then they would all get embarassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they’d get mad and eat the snowman.

10. Sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

3 Responses to “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy”

  1. 1 Lance January 25, 2007 at 7:08 pm

    Yes!!! I love deep thoughts with Jack Handy. You forgot to mention a couple of my favorites:

    1. The crows seem to be calling my name, thought caw

    2. Mom always said that laughter was the greatest cure. I guess that’s why most of us died of tuberculosis.

    That’s all I can remember. Saturday night live went down hill once they stopped doing deep thoughts.

  2. 2 Jewel January 25, 2007 at 8:46 pm


    4. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!


  3. 3 ladyareto January 25, 2007 at 11:04 pm


    Oh, thank you for this. I needed that.

    Jack Handy is by far the greatest quotator in the world. Hahaha.

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