More Random Shite

I have a new doula client, which rocks. She’s due April 15th, which is uncomfortably close to my existing client. (Due April 3rd.) I think it will be okay though. It’d better be. I also have an “interview” next week with a woman who is due in July. Now all I need are a few births around May/June and I should be certified by late summer. Ohhhhh yeah. Let’s all cross our fingers, shall we? The phone calls have been coming in full force. There are pregnant women everywhere, and there is a serious doula shortage on the island. Better still, the closest hospital is an hour away but the only midwife on the island is nearby. Which means, yes people…I am going to be attending homebirths and birth center births. Galore. I couldn’t have planned it better. The fact that all of this has fallen into my lap so nicely cannot be a mere coincidence. My four day workshop on labor support starts in a few weeks, just as my Childbirth Preparation classes come to a close. Make way people. I’m coming through.

An update on my dog: I think she has issues. Psychological issues. For one, the perfectly housebroken dog of mine has now shat on the carpet thrice. (And each occasion there were numerous piles spread over a large area.) And this morning, I found the first pile of pee. I have no idea what her problem is. I take her out every 2 hours, and often she gets taken out in the middle of the night. I am a fanatic about taking her out. Dog poop and pee will not happen in my house. No way, kids. No way. I even take her spoiled little rump out for a long walk each morning because in the entire month that she’s lived with us, SHE WILL ONLY POOP ON HER WALKS. And still…accidents in the house. Double You Tee Eff???? Last night, I was sitting here at the computer and saw her out of the corner of my eye. She was sprinting around the couch in circles. I was alarmed because she never gets crazy in the house like that. I stood up, and that’s when I saw the multiple piles of nastiness. My first response of course is to say (loudly), “Are you fucking KIDDING me?!” I immediately felt terrible, because she cowered as if she expected me to give her a swift kick in the stomach.

There are other weird things about her too. Like the fact that she refuses to eat dog food. She refuses and refuses until I am sure that her stomach is eating itself, and she will give in to a tiny amount of kibble. She wants people food. Exclusively. We still have yet to indulge her. Again, not going to happen. No begging dog eating table scraps in my house. You’d think that I was giving her some cheap, cardboard kibble. But no–a tiny bag of the stuff we buy costs $17. It’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s even more ridiculous that after a month of being refused scraps, she is still begging with a vengeance. One time, I found her ON TOP OF MY DINING ROOM TABLE. She’s like 70 pounds. Tonight, she was up on the counter trying to eat a whole roasted chicken. My rage shot through the roof. I think I saw the whole world go white.

The next weird thing is her small dog complex. Actually, I don’t know if this is the correct terminology, but my point is–she thinks she’s a small dog. Perhaps a toy breed. This enormous dog of mine jumps into your lap while you’re sitting on the couch and squeezes herself into a curled up ball of fur as if she’s a freaking lap dog. She does the same thing in the car. She thinks she can fit into the tiniest of spaces. It’s completely absurd. She is also deathly afraid of other dogs. Even if the dog is something like a mini schnauzer. She runs away in terror. Why is this? She could eat that dog in one easy gulp. I think I need to see one of those pet communicators.

The last random bit of shite concerns my middle child, Pigpen. He’s having problems in school and on the bus. He’s getting sent to the counselor’s office. His schoolwork is slipping. He’s teasing people, socializing too much, not staying on task. His teacher wants to meet with me on Monday. An appointment with a pediatrician has been made, and I guarantee you an ADD diagnosis is on its way.

Also, the bedwetting/daywetting is getting worse. I can’t even remember the last time he didn’t have an accident during the day or night. It’s just…constant. He doesn’t tell anyone when he has an accident, so he sits all day in wet underwear and gets itchy rashes and stinks 24/7. I make him go before he gets on the bus. I bought an expensive watch with an alarm that goes off every few hours to remind him to use the restroom. I’ve tried giving out prizes and treats for staying dry. Nothing works. Currently, I am having him take a quick shower when I find him wet. He hates having to take all that time to clean up. And it’s at least keeping him clean and not-so-stinky. Tonight, I’ll wake him up in the middle of the night to pee. Which brings me to the next weird issue….

He’s peeing in his sleep. And not just while he’s lying in bed. Several times we have caught him trying to pee on the carpet in the hallway. As if he has made it halfway to the bathroom and thinks he’s reached his final destination. But today, as I cleaned out his closet, I uncovered something shocking. The closet was full of urine. The plastic set of drawers that hold his clothes held a lake of pee on top. The Darth Vader helmet held about a cup of pee inside of it. The books and toys shoved into the closet were soaking wet.
HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?!?! Anyway, I have cleaned and sterilized everything and washed my hands about 18 times. I’m feeling gross and my hands are dry and cracking.

Oh the life of a mother of three males.

Readers, listen up. Stop at the 2nd boy. Trust me on this one.

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6 Responses to “More Random Shite”


  1. 1 Libby February 23, 2007 at 4:35 am

    If you do go to the doctor and you get a diagnosis that “requires” meds…..email me. Mmmmmmm k? Been there, done that.

  2. 2 antropologa February 24, 2007 at 11:09 pm

    My friend’s son peed in weird places for a while when he was 5? 6? He would sleep walk and go open bathroom cabinets and piss in them. Eventually he just stopped, as I understand it. Kids are weird. It’s hard being a child, too. I have no advice. I’m sorry. I hope you can get him sorted out soon. Boys sound hard.

    Dogs–dogs are weird. Especially rescue dogs. I am so sorry about the messes. That is SO GROSS–believe me, I know. My massive dogs like to have diarrhea in the kitchen and then track it all over the downstairs in the night. It’s great. But I think it’s accidental. What you have happening sounds on purpose. Maybe the vet or an animal trainer can help. But that’s expensive for sure.

    My huge dog also thinks he can fit on your lap. He’s totally convinced. There will be one foot of space open on the couch and he’ll want to put all 130 lbs. of himself in it.

    About the doula stuff–congratulations!

  3. 3 antropologa February 24, 2007 at 11:11 pm

    Oh my God, and thank you for the package! You are so sweet! They are adorable. And the Lansinoh bags–just in the nick of time, you psychic!

  4. 4 thordora February 25, 2007 at 1:31 am

    The dog might be sick-animals get all wonky when something “twinges” inside.

    Regardless, there’s nothing worse than “presents” on the floor.

    Fucking ADD……sigh. Try to fight them on that. Despite my own mental issues, I firmly believe MANY people are diagnosed for ease of use for the doctor.

    The peeing thing-NO CLUE. That’s just weird. 🙂

  5. 5 thordora February 25, 2007 at 1:32 am

    Did the book make it to you? I hope I didn’t muck up the address…

  6. 6 Kind of Crunchy Mama February 25, 2007 at 7:12 pm

    So cool that you will be attending home and birth center births. I’ve thought about becoming a doula in a few years when the kids are older, but the idea of attending hospital births depresses me.


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