The waterfall

Yesterday, I had someone tell me that I am basically too selfish and insensitive to be a true and loyal friend. I do not posess the ability to deeply care for another.

Comments like that are always strange. They cause this waterfall of responses. My first reaction is plain old, blood pumping anger. “What an asshole thing to say!” I think. Grumble grumble grumble, rawr rawr rawr. And then as the clock ticks on, all that anger and annoyance leaks out, like the air you slowly squeak out of a red balloon. It dissapates.

The inhalation comes and I’m on to the next level. I must vehemently deny the accusation and come up with examples that will prove him wrong. Once I have exhausted myself of this, my next response is to wallow for awhile in my shitty little feelings. That doesn’t last long, because in my mind, the accusation is false. It holds no long term meaning to me. It is a blip on the radar. A pause.

The waterfall continues to cascade down, down, down. And this is when I sit with it. When all of the emotion has been filtered out, it doesn’t threaten me. I can analyze it. I can come to conclusions. In many cases, I find that someone’s observations or personal attacks have merit. I have revelations. I uncover the dirty, shameful parts of myself. There is catharsis. I cry it out. I forgive myself. I make amends. But this time, there is none of that. I come to find that everyone holds their own truth based on their perceptions and experiences. He has his truth. I have mine. My friends and family have their own. And it’s all okay.

But just as a precautionary measure, I start calling my friends and I say “I love you” on their voicemails, I write them an email, I squeeze my eyes shut hard and focus all of my energy and I send them every ounce of hope and goodness that I have within me. And I learn that everything, even an attack on my character, is a lesson.

And girls, if you didn’t get your messages…I love you. Big time, hardcore, major league love. If it were in my power, I would do it for you. O, if I could fly to D.C. this moment and sit with you while you birth that beautiful baby boy, I would. I would do it in an instant. Areto, I would drop everything now and drive to you. I would stay a week and we’d laugh and laugh and I’d let you forget about a broken heart for as long as I possibly could. Liz, I would take away the stress, the worry, I would give you the things that you deserve for the amazing dedication and devotion you have shown as a new mother. Jewel, Sarah, Ape, Bein, Tam, Kellie, Kari, Shan…every one of you. I’m here. I’m just a phone call or an email away.


6 Responses to “The waterfall”

  1. 1 ladyareto March 15, 2007 at 5:19 pm

    i luv you too. and you can come organize my clutter anytime:) And sit with me and laugh and crack jokes, too. thanks for your message; it made my night to hear – i forgot to tell you that.

  2. 2 S March 15, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    Me? Really? OK. That’s a good thing. Progress. Unless, wait, am I forgetting another Sarah you have in your life?

  3. 3 mrshavisham March 15, 2007 at 9:38 pm

    I KNEW you were going to say that, Sarah! LOL

  4. 4 jewel March 16, 2007 at 4:55 pm

    Listen here. I think that he (we all know who you are) is just having a hard time understanding the way things are ending up. It makes me sad because I for one don’t like others speaking for me. And I feel like he who must not be named is doing that. I have nothing but the fullest most love filled heart for you. I know better then anyone here how hard it is to be a real friend. And I think that all of us girls go thought the same thing you were/are. I jsut wish that it was easier for you to not take the things he says to hard. He likes to get a raise outta people, that is what he is good at. But I have also learned for you, that I must forgive him for not being perfect like me or you. Dont worry about the things that other say to you. Just know that I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT. (and if for some reason I think you are being a sucky ass friend or a selfish person I will tell you)


  5. 5 Missy March 16, 2007 at 7:14 pm

    I knew when I read that first line your friends would give you props.

  6. 6 liz March 29, 2007 at 10:04 pm

    You are a beautiful friend : ) It’s funny (not really) that someone told you that because over the last few weeks you have really given me so much love, compassion, understanding and help and I have been pouring over how I can thank you for being there for me…I really love you Rae and i think you are such a valuable friend and I am so happy that we have reconnected, I think you are *amazing* and if you are selfish and no one wants to be your friend, good…more for me!!!
    I LOVE you!!!

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