Archive for the 'dieting' Category

Fighting the scale

While unpacking, I found my scale. The battery had died during its 6 month long stay at Public Storage. Instead of opening up the battery compartment to replace the batteries, I thought twice. And threw it out.

This was a huge moment for me, considering that I have stepped onto a scale every morning after my shower for years. Years. I have written down my weight in food journals, diaries, dry-erase boards, scrap pieces of paper.

I’m so tired of the numbers. I’m tired of a 3 digit number setting the tone for the day. I’m so sick of willing the numbers to fall. I’m so tired of punishing myself when they rise. I don’t want it to be part of my daily life anymore. I don’t want my self image tied to a number. It’s just so fucking stupid. I want to feel good about the way I look and I want my body to be strong and healthy. If I end up carrying 30 pounds over what is considered “normal” for my frame, but I still feel good, then so be it. My body should dictate what feels right. Not my scale, not my doctor, not the BMI charts. I refuse to let this keep me down any longer.

That being said, the Holidays were not good to my figure. I can tell because the waistband of my jeans has become uncomfortably tight. The candies, the cookies, the treats, the baked goods, the feasts, and then the pizza and fast food through the chaos of moving. The emotional eating from the stress.

And so, the waistband gets the wheels in my head turning at warp speed. I start panicking. Why did I get rid of that damn scale? Who has a scale that I can borrow? I must know the number, must know, must know.

But I don’t. I won’t. I’m not going to. I’m going to listen to my body and give it the fuel it needs and I’m going to be mindful about when it’s truly hungry and when it’s not. I’m going to allow myself to drink as much coffee as I please, and to savor my birthday dessert this weekend. I will not deprive myself. I will not punish myself. I won’t wallow in guilt or self-disgust. I’m done.